"Goddamnit, Donut!" Performance Tank

Epic Apparel (Guaranteed to be appropriate for at least one moment during every run.)

Description: Every runner has a breaking point. It might be the surprise hill. The relentless headwind. The race volunteer who says, "You're almost there!" when you're only halfway. Or your watch vibrating to inform you that your pace has slowed... as if you weren't painfully aware. That's when it happens. You throw your hands up, look toward the heavens, and declare:

"GODDAMNIT, DONUT!"

This tank top exists for that moment. Lightweight, breathable, and built for runners who know that sometimes the best coping mechanism is loudly embracing the absurdity of endurance sports, it proudly announces that you're the kind of person who can laugh while questioning every life decision that led to mile nine.

Passive Ability — Trail Language: Your colorful vocabulary becomes 42% more entertaining and 100% more relatable. Nearby runners don't judge you. They've been there.

Passive Ability — Morale Recovery: Every time something goes spectacularly wrong, you gain a small boost to determination by remembering that things could always be more ridiculous. Usually, they are.

Active Skill — Audible Frustration: Once per run, shout: "GODDAMNIT, DONUT!"

Effects include: Immediate emotional relief. Confused looks from non-fans. Instant camaraderie with anyone who gets the reference.

Hidden Bonus — Fan Detection: If another crawler recognizes your shirt, they are compelled to smile, point, or yell the phrase back at you. Congratulations. You have found your people.

System Warning: This garment will not make your long runs easier. It will, however, remind you that every runner has moments where the only reasonable response is to laugh, swear a little, and keep moving forward.

Product: Tultex S105 Unisex Fine Jersey Tank Top

• 4.5 oz yd²

• 100% ring-spun USA cotton

• Heather Grey is 90% ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester

• Reactive-dyed for longer lasting color

• Pre-washed to minimize shrinkage

• Ribbed binding on neckline and armholes

• Double-needle neck and bottom hem

• Tear away label

• USMCA certified

This product meets the following Sustainable Style subcategories:

• Sustainable Manufacturing: This product meets the OEKO-TEX Standard 100.

• Socially Conscious Manufacturing: This product was made in a facility that holds a SMETA audit